Three Kings eating out

a story by

Adam Paimon

Preface

This is just plain fun.

Don't be grumpy if you can not see the humour in it.

© 2020-2023 Adam Paimon

www.adampaimon.com

No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced and/or published by means of printing, photocopying or by whatsoever means, without the prior written consent of Adam Paimon.

Three Kings eating out

Once, it was about 0 BC, there were three kings in the Middle East who went looking for a Michelin star restaurant. None of their own cities had such a restaurant, so in the late afternoon of a nice summer day, they decided to find one together. Expecting a special and mouth-watering dinner is a good reason to go out for every man and no less so for kings, as they are used to so many exquisite foods that only something really special can rouse their senses.

Balthazar, the eldest, travelled by camel, because with his 60 years he could not walk that far anymore. Melchior walked next to the camel, as with his 40 years he did not want to be seen as less fit as the 20-year-old Caspar, who already ran ahead of them to scout out the road. Of course, like many 40-year-olds, Melchior soon regretted his choice to walk, but he was too stubborn and too proud to complain. Besides, the perspective of a star-restaurant was enough to keep him going.

But finding a restaurant was not easy. They walked through a stony desert land, without cities, villages or people. There was only mountainous rock and sand around them, with sometimes small huts with water pits, small shrubs, the occasional small tree and some dry patches of grass. They encountered no people and without people, there are no restaurants. So before long, the three spoiled kings started to complain.

Balthazar said, “Here I am at my age, on a camel with an empty stomach. Where is that restaurant?”

“At least you are on a camel,” Melchior said, “all this ploughing through the sand on foot is exhausting, mind you.”

“Pff, you are not used to anything at all, are you?” Caspar responded, “I for one have come prepared.” And he pulled an energy bar from out of his long travelling robe.

"Hey, give that to me!“ Balthazar said, “I am the eldest and weakest here.”

“I don’t think so,” replied Caspar, “Who is the one riding on a camel, you or me?”

“You piece of mischief!” Balthazar shouted.

“We could share it between us?” Melchior proposed, but because Christian charity of course did not exist at the time of this story, all three kings began to laugh at such a silly idea.

They walked on in silence. There was no sound other than the footsteps of the camel in the sand and the smacking of Caspar while eating his energy bar. After a short while Melchior grumbled: “Jesus Christ, can you stop smacking like that?! Who raised you?”

“Actually, my mother did,” Caspar said and winked at Balthazar. “And if I am not mistaken, it is your sister, Melchior, who married my father?”

“Pfff,” Melchior said, “if my sister is your mother then I am sure she is not smart enough to raise a child the correct way.”

“Women,” Balthazar said, “who needs them anyway? Although Melchior’s daughter is a very good wife to me.”

“Wait,” Caspar asked, “Melchior’s daughter is Balthazar’s wife? But Melchior is married to my sister!”

They walked on in a confused silence, each of the kings thinking about who had made the best choice for a wife.

“Just the other day, I heard about our distant relative Herod”, Melchior said at last, to change the topic of conversation.

“According to rumours he is planning to kill a whole bunch of children in a village near here. I guess that it is just a rumour and not to be taken too seriously. Although uncle Herod has always been a bit unpredictable of course.”

“Herod is an idiot and a maniac as well”, Balthazar said. “Those rumours could well be true.”

“Why would he do such a thing?” Caspar asked.

“They say he is afraid that some baby has been born that will end his reign or something like that. His courts’ magicians have predicted that”, Melchior responded. “I am actually not sure, I didn’t really pay attention when they told me."

“What a load of rubbish”, Caspar said, “who would believe such predictions?”

“Maybe we could have asked our court magicians about the location of a star restaurant”, Melchior said. “Then we wouldn’t be looking for one now.”

"You know what would be useful?” Balthazar said, “A book with all locations of star restaurants, like a kind of travelling guide. Then no one has to go wandering to look for one.”

By now, the sun had completely disappeared and darkness came over the rocks and the sand. The road ahead was empty. Around them, lights and fires were lighted in the distance, it was nearing suppertime in the small huts and dwellings of the desert land. Above the kings, the first stars emerged in the sky.

They walked around a bend in the road and suddenly a person in a white robe was standing before them. The figure was surrounded by clear light and it was hard to tell if it was a man or a woman. The three kings were a bit startled by this unexpected appearance which remained silently before them in the middle of the road. In the end, Balthazar was the first to speak.

“Hi there, uhm…. person. What brings you here in the middle of the road through the desert?”

The figure didn’t respond immediately, but then a soft voice said: “I know you are searching.”

"Well, yes, we are”, Caspar said, “we are looking for….” The figure interrupted him. “Be silent. I already know what you are searching for…. Let me guide you in the right direction.” The white fabric of the figure rustled in the wind and a slender hand appeared, pointing at the sky. One of the stars seemed to shine a bit brighter suddenly.

“Follow that star and you will find what you are looking for.” And the figure haughtily glided away into the dark night, leaving the kings dumbfounded.

“Well now,” Caspar said after a while. “That is some attitude.”

“Probably a religious type, those are always so cocky and annoying, like they know it all,” Melchior said.

Balthazar added: “Striking how those people immediately expect you to listen to them. Well, I would propose to go the opposite way, just to prove a point.”

“What point?” Caspar exclaimed. “This is so typical of how old men always act. Too stubborn to ask for directions and immediately refuse to follow advise when it is given. I would say we follow the star.”

“How could I have asked for directions?” Balthazar protested. “There was no time to ask anything. And I do not trust that star. Who says it will bring us to a restaurant?”

“It is better than nothing,” Melchior intervened.

While they were talking, the sound of bleating sheep and clattering hooves emerged from the dark. Suddenly the three kings were surrounded by a flock of sheep.

“What the hell is this,” Melchior muttered.

“Those are sheep man,” Caspar said, “Never seen sheep before?”

“Impertinent rascal,” Balthazar mumbled.

From the dark the two attendants of the flock emerged as well, two men in simple white garments, both carrying a staff. The shepherds saw that their herd had enclosed three important gentlemen and rushed to push the sheep away and onward.

“Good evening, fine gentlemen,” the eldest of the men said while pushing. “Please accept our apologies, we honestly didn’t expect such distinguished company on the road at this time of the day.”

"No, most gentlemen are having dinner at this hour,” the other shepherd said. The kings looked a bit sheepish at each other, but the shepherds didn’t notice.

“By the way, did you see an angel passing by just now?” the eldest shepherd asked. “We were herding our sheep and sitting down talking, you know, and then suddenly seven angels began to sing in the sky above us. Quite nice, don’t get me wrong, but we couldn’t hear what we were saying to each other anymore, so I asked them to stop singing. And then most of them left, I guess they were offended.”

“Yeah, but one remained,” the younger shepherd added. “It told about a new king who was born and a star we should follow.”

“Completely nuts of course, following a star,” the elder shepherd scampered. “No one in the right mind follows a light in the sky with a flock of sheep. Like we do not have anything better to do.”

“Ha!” said Balthazar and looked triumphantly at Caspar who rolled his eyes.

The shepherds gave the last sheep a push and stood upright again. “I thought that angel went this way. You didn’t see it? I thought it might be just something for your honoured gentlemen, to follow the guidance of an angel.”

“Yes, we did meet someone just now who pointed us to a star,” Caspar said and pointed to the sky. Balthazar interrupted Caspar with a loud cough.

“Yes, that is all fine, but we are not guided by religious crackpots, we are going in the other direction,” Balthazar said to the shepherds. Melchior faintly smiled and the kings continued on their path. Caspar followed last, shaking his head.

Walking on, the kings tried to keep the star on their backs as much as possible, but each time, the road curved back in the direction of the star. Balthazar grumbled, but Caspar said: “Ignore that star, we will follow the road. If anyone asks, we will say we were just following the road and not the star. Then no one can accuse you of having listened to someone else for once.”

“Now you listen to me, young man…” Balthazar began angrily, but Melchior interrupted the beginning argument.

“Look,” he said, “I think I see a restaurant, immediately below that clear star.”

And indeed, looking down from the hill they stood on, there was a simple stone building with a reed-covered roof in the valley below. A small wooden stable was connected to back of the building.

"Hmpf, so it is only a one star restaurant,” Balthazar muttered, looking up at the star over the restaurant, “is that where we have walked so long for?” The kings went down the hill and walked to the restaurant. A welcoming light shone from the windows and smoke was rising from the chimney.

Caspar reached the door first. He opened the door and looked in. Together with the sounds of voices and eating people, a thick smell came out of the restaurant.

“Pfhew, that is quite an intense smell of incense,” he said. “I usually kind of like incense, but this is a bit much.”

“I guess it is to mask that awful stable smell,” Balthazar said, “Don’t you smell that?”

“Yes, indeed,” Melchior said. “That will be that stable directly behind the building. They should clean that more often, I think.”

Hungry as they were, the kings decided to enter the restaurant. Inside, the restaurant consisted of a small rectangular space packed with wooden tables and chairs. There were a lot of guests, but in the back there still was a free table. Shuffling between the tables in their long cloaks, the kings knocked over a glass of wine here, sweeping a plate of a table there. Under a constant stream of exclamations and apologies, they reached their table.

After they were seated, the kings had to wait for a long time before they were serviced and they were clearly not the only ones in the filled restaurant.

At last, a young man with a hurried manner came to their table. He put down three menus and said: “Good evening gentlemen, I am Joseph, your waiter for tonight, can I get you something to drink to start with?”

The three kings chose the red wine of the house and when Joseph returned with a wine pitcher, Caspar particularly enjoyed the refreshment. One glass followed the next at a fast pace.

When the waiter was speeding by, Melchior caught him and asked why the restaurant was so busy this evening.

“This is how busy it always is, but normally Mary, my wife, also helps. But she gave birth some days ago,” Joseph responded. “It is a bit of an awkward case, I am not sure what to do. She suddenly became pregnant.”

“Yeah, that is how that goes,” laughed Balthazar.

“You don’t understand. We didn’t…. Well, you know, we just… It can’t be mine, I mean.”

“Slut!” shouted Caspar suddenly through the restaurant. Clearly, the wine had done its work already. Melchior patted him on his arm and told him to be quiet.

“Ah, so you are in a difficult spot indeed,” he said to Joseph.

"Tell me about it,” Joseph said, “She talked about a vision, she had seen an angel who said she was pregnant. Quite peculiar. How to go on now?”

"An angel!” Melchior exclaimed, “You don’t believe that, right!? No, my man, you are screwed. And your wife was too.”

"Whorrrrre!” belched Caspard.

"Hum," Balthazar cleared his throat. “Maybe it is indeed a special child. You never know, with a vision and all that stuff. Good chance she lies of course, but who knows?”

“If you learned gentlemen know a solution, I am happy to take your advice,” Joseph said.

Balthazar glanced sideways at Caspar who now was busy pretending to fight his own shadow on the wall and throwing punches in the air, and said: *Let’s eat first, and then we will have a look at that child.”

“Food, good,” Caspar mumbled while looking dazed before him.

Joseph soon appeared with the first course. “Broad beans, with lentil-and-leek cake, with chickpea-jelly and fried dandelion leaves on a bedding of barley porridge on the side. Enjoy your meal.” And he was gone again.

The kings looked at their plates and then at each other.

“A star-restaurant indeed,” Caspar concluded and started eating. “Kind of nice,” he said with his mouth full and a few lentils flew across the table. Balthazar pointed at him with his knife and opened his mouth for a firm rebuke, but before he could speak, Melchior put his hand on Balthazar’s arm.

“Let the boy be for now,” he said, “he is still young.”

Balthazar snorted with an angry face, took a bite from his lentil-and-leek cake and changed the subject.

“They say that the Romans will soon be in trouble with that indigenous tribe, the Israelites.”

“I heard something about that, indeed,” Melchior said. “Aren’t those the people who caused havoc in Egypt a few years ago?”

“Now you mention it, I think they were yes!” Balthazar replied, “I think I remember they lived in Egypt and then the pharaoh kicked them out because they were a plague to him, or something like that.”

“They were a plague?” Caspar looked up from his plate, still slightly intoxicated by the wine.

“A plague, a nuisance, I don’t know exactly,” Baltazar said impatiently. “Anyway, I understood they were difficult people to live with.”

Melchior grinned. “I now suddenly remember a funny story that used to be told about the Israelites. When they left Egypt they got extremely lost. Their leader was someone called Motes, Mobes or something like that….”

“Moses,” Caspar said, without looking up from his plate. The other two kings looked at him in surprise, but Caspar continued eating like nothing had happened.

“Well, Moses it was,” Melchior continued. “That man was really insane. Got vision after vision that directed the whole group in a new direction every other day. If you see the road they travelled from Egypt before they ended up here, you’ll laugh yourself silly. No straight line anywhere, no wonder it took them such a long time.”

Melchior pushed his plate away and took a sip of his wine.

“One day, Moses and the Israelites came to a mountain where Moses had to get something godly or whatever. Ah yes, stone tablets it was, with rules of conduct on them.”

“They were on that mountain, just laying around somewhere or what?” Caspar asked.

“Of course not, that man just went up that mountain, invented some rules and carved them out on the spot,” Melchior responded.

“Anyway, he was about to climb that mountain and then they stopped him because it was getting dark and they didn’t know what to do. So Moses said to them that they needed to create a lamp in their workshop to light the camp. But, well, what did they do?” Melchior had trouble containing his laughter. “They created a lamb of gold and started to worship it, like they thought Moses had said!” Melchior bursted out laughing. “And the thing was so badly made that it didn’t resemble a lamb at all, it looked more like a calf!”

Balthazar smiled, but Caspar looked at Melchior with a confused expression. “I don’t get it.”

Luckily, at that moment Joseph appeared with the second course. “I present to you the second course, gentlemen. Fillet of mullet on a bedding of watermelon with candied black radish and a sauce of soft cheese made of the milk of sheep, decorated with myrrh.”

With his finger, Balthazar scooped a bit of the light-yellow oil from the edge of the plate and smelled it. “Bloody hell,” he said, “that smells like myrrh.”

“It ís myrrh,” Melchior said, “he just told us, you have to pay attention.” Caspar grinned, but when Balthazar looked at him with a frown, he suddenly found something very interesting down on his own plate.

“I heard before that Moses was not always very well understood, “ Melchior continued, “but maybe that could also be because of the intelligence of his followers.”

“Yes,” said Balthazar, “I also remember something about that. It was a joke some years ago. I think it was about Moses splitting a red pea with his knife and somehow his followers told he split the Red Sea. Unbelievable.”

“Thát one I did get,” Caspar said while he tried to put a radish on his fork. “Sea. Pea. Haha, funny!”

The third course was a generous serving of goat stew, with wild lettuce and pumpkin-glazing, with crispy fried sea bream skin. “Something from the sea, something from the land,” as Joseph modestly told the kings while serving.

“The food is good here,” Balthazar said approvingly. Melchior and Caspar nodded.

“Special flavours and very tasteful,” Melchior agreed. “Almost Roman quality.” Balthazar put his fork down and he frowned.

“What is wrong with our traditional cuisine? Why should that be less than Roman food?” he asked Melchior piqued.

“O dear,” Caspar sighed, “Let’s not talk about the Roman Issue again, not while we are enjoying our meal.” But it was too late.

“The Romans occupied our country! You can not ignore that fact,“ Balthazar said heatedly. “Land owned by our ancestors and their ancestors, approved by the gods. Land that has known our toils and for which we gave our blood to defend it!”

“Yeah, defending this piece of rocky desert in hundreds of endless wars between barbarian tribes who didn’t have anything else to do then picking fight after fight amongst themselves. Thát was a nice time to live in,” Caspar said, while chewing on a piece of sea bream skin. “The Romans have brought peace and progress. Without them we would still be rolling around fighting in the dirt like pigs.”

“Like pigs!” Balthazar looked as he was about to explode. “The profanity!”

Melchior hushed the argument: “Let’s stop talking about politics, we will not agree on that. The Romans have brought some good ideas with them, but they are indeed occupying our lands. But we are not going to change that with the three of us, so let’s not get excited over it now.”

Caspar stared at the wall and mused: “Well, indeed not all what they have introduced is good. I could do without the crucifixions, that is always such a nasty thing to see.”

Balthazar put his face in his plate and continued eating moodily. Melchior looked at Caspar and rolled his eyes, saying: Why did you have to bring all that up? In silence the kings emptied their plates.

Dessert consisted of hard wheat cakes with fruit, soaked in buttermilk, accompanied by porridge of legumes with flambéed cherry liqueur. The liqueur in particular revived the spirit of old Balthazar, so much even that he accidentally knocked over Caspar’s full glass of burning liqueur.

“Whoa, Noah’s flood!” Balthazar exclaimed and while the starting fire was extinguished by the other kings, he ordered some extra glasses of liqueur.

After a while Caspar said with difficulty: “Do you… do you think they invented drunk speak as well at the Tower of Babel?” He looked musingly in his empty glass. Melchior looked puzzled at him and then laughed heartily.

“Yeah, sure they did!” and he gave Caspar a friendly slap on his back. Balthazar leaned with his elbow on the table, but missed the surface and nearly fell off his chair.

“Pfff, time for coffee, I reckon,” he mumbled.

Luckily, Joseph, being a considerate waiter, arrived soon with three cups of strong coffee which sobered up the kings. The sobering up continued when the check was put on the table. Melchior picked it up. “Jesus!” he started, “They seem to think I have a bag of gold on me.”

“Your turn to pay, was it?” Caspar inquired and grinned, suppressing a hiccup. Grumbling Melchior searched his cloak and threw a pile of golden coins on the table.

Slightly unstable the kings got to their feet.

“Joseph, I almost forgot, where is that child of yours?” Balthazar asked their waiter who had attentively pulled their chairs back to ease the getting up.

“I actually put them in the stable behind the restaurant, there was no other place I could think of. I was in a rush,” Joseph added apologetically. “Please follow me.”

The kings followed Joseph to a door in the back wall of the restaurant. Clumsy they clambered through the door, into a small hallway that led directly to the stable. This part of the house was not very cosy and there were a lot of signs of neglect. The stable wasn’t much more than an empty wooden shed, put loosely against the back of the stone restaurant. The hallway went straight through the middle of the stable. On either side, wooden fences marked the partitions for the animals. There were some cows, there was a donkey and a few sheep. The place was infused with the smell of hay, straw, cattle and excrements.

In one of the partitions in the stable they found Maria, sitting on a small chair surrounded by bales of hay with her baby on her lap. She was reading a clay tablet in a small corona of light and the kings first thought they saw a godly vision. When they came near however, they saw the light was caused by a rackety oil lamp, suspended from a wooden beam above her.

Without further ado, the kings focussed on the child on her lap.

“It is nothing special, as far as I can see,” Melchior said.

“I don’t really like children,” Caspar said.

“Hmmm,” Balthazar said.

In the short silence that fell, the baby let out a crackling burp and with a gurgling sound, it filled up its cotton diaper.

“Sweet mother of Jesus!” Caspar exclaimed, “There is nothing royal about that.”

Horrified, the kings recoiled and waved their hands to get rid of the penetrating smell.

“Well, uhm,” Melchior said, “I think I am done here.”

Caspar leaned retching against a wooden partition opposite Maria and the baby.

Balthazar, however, straightened himself and said to Joseph: “There is no chance whatsoever that this is a divine child. No doubt about it, it is all about having the right nose to spot them. I am never wrong. I would say, feed it, nurture it, love it and continue your life. Let things be things. Maybe it will become a chef that is just as good as your current chef.” He winked at Joseph. “Because the food was really exquisite.”

Relieved, the kings left the stable. The outside air had become chilly and around them in the night sky, thousands of stars were twinkling. The kings went back to their palaces feeling content and satisfied. Balthazar sat on his camel, Melchior walked next to him and Caspar went ahead. It had been a special evening, with a meal worthy of a king.